Dreams:

I have so many dreams it seems impossible to think I'll ever have time for all of them or that I'd have the money and resources, but anythings possible if you just believe. Just being able to think about them is amazing. There is always hope!

• I'd love to hike: anywhere and everywhere. Places that amaze me. Places that I'll never forget. Just to go and hike, take time for myself, reflect, be alone and with God in the middle of nature's beauty.



• I'd love to hike the Appalachian Trail at some point. Six months of demanding physical, emotional and spiritual hard work. A time to rely on nobody else but God and yourself.





• I'd love to travel: to go to places like Africa, New Zealand, South America, Australia, and across the United States. To explore and learn about other cultures and traditions. To see unbelievable sites that take my breath away. Ideally in the process of all the adventure, to get involved in helping in some way or another would be amazing.




• I'd love to get married and raise a family. To have a loving family and husband is priceless and at the present moment I can finally see that in my future.




• I'd love to help young girls with their struggles for identity and positive self-image and confidence. To inspire them to love who they truly are and to treat their bodies with respect. To teach them to love God and be all that they can be.



• I'd love to try new things. To always be open to a new adventure. To not let fear hold me back from getting out and experiencing all that life has to offer.


• I'd love to volunteer my time in something that I believe in.
  
• I'd love to inspire someone. Make a difference.


• I'd love to share God with someone who needs Him the most.


• I'd love to just live while being true to all that I am and will become.

Why is it that the most important things in life aren't things?

Why is it that sometimes just living is an act of courage?

If I'm not as close to God as I used to be, who moved?

Have you ever wished you were what you were when you wished you were what you are now?

Shouldn't we work harder to be what we ought to be rather than to hide what we are?

Why is it easier to say what we believe than to be what we believe?

She says she wants to paint again.

She says she's lost that part of herself.

She tells me where and how she imagines painting.

She takes classes.

She dreams about doing what she loves.

No more worries.

No more fears.

She says painting frees her soul.

She says painting makes her lose track of time.

I feel...

i feel dead. i feel calm. i feel like i'm not taking anything in. i feel lost. i feel loved. i feel okay. i feel good. i feel bad. i feel like i'm flying. i feel like i'm standing still. i feel bored. i feel tired. i feel like i'm going through the motions. i feel as i'm falling. i feel sad. i feel down. i feel like running. i feel like walking and never stopping. i feel like standing out in the pouring rain. i feel like drowning. i feel like rising. i feel the need for an adventure. i feel like doing something crazy. i feel like eating. i feel like i'm staring off into an empty space. i feel annoyed. i feel beautiful. i feel content. i feel dissatisfied. i feel invisible. i feel as though people can just see right through me. i feel as though no one knows me. i feel like i stand out. i feel alone. i feel different. i feel ordinary. i feel like i'm being watched. i feel cold. i feel warm. i feel like learning something useful. i feel important. i feel small. i feel like i need inspiration. i feel like being myself. i feel like sleeping. i feel good. i feel bad. i feel boring. i feel crazy. i feel like i'm floating. i feel like i'm sinking. i feel grateful. i feel blessed. i feel shallow. i feel deep. i feel hopeful. i feel hopeless. i feel good. i feel bad. i feel like living.

Let Go and Let God

Something that I had to do last night was "sit with my feelings". It's honestly one of the hardest things I have to do. To feel something and not act upon it is very hard for me. To have a feeling of being disgusting and worthless but yet not do anything but sit is beyond the description of torture. What I really wanted to do last night was act upon those horrible feelings by running my guts out or hiking for hours. I felt like I wanted to die. To get away from myself for just one minute of time. Please, that's all I ask for. Obviously that's not possible, so just how does someone "sit with their feelings" when pressures are forming at all sides to act? For me, art works, usually collage. Walking almost always works. Although it's not actually "sitting with the feelings", it helps me process my thoughts into something logical and puts me back into a better mindset. Writing in a journal sometimes works. Just to get those awful thoughts out of my head. Crying almost always works too. To many, crying feels weak, and sometimes that's true, but the feeling after you just bawled your eyes out is incredible. Sometimes you need to wash your eyes with tears in order to see life in a brighter and clearer light. Last night was difficult and I don't expect anyone to ever fully understand what I go through or what I feel but I do know that God knows and understands everything. He is always there, helping me push through the hardships. He knows me. He knows how it feels and He wants to help. All I have to do is reach out and say: LET GO AND LET GOD.

it's you...and only you=]

the way you make me feel is beyond words

i feel like the most amazing and luckiest girl alive

when i'm in your loving arms

it's only you and me

forever

he makes me slow down. appreciate the little things.

he makes me relax. calm.

he makes me laugh like i've never laughed.

he makes me smile like i've never smiled.

he makes me live like i've never lived before.

he makes me love like i've never been hurt.

i love thinking about the future

all the prospective memories

the fantasies

of a beautiful wedding

of beautiful children

of dreams coming true

as much as i love thinking about that

i remember to stay in this moment

to never take any little, amazing moment for granted

being with him is a dream within itself

to have somebody like him

i'm so lucky

it's incredible

he's everything i wanted

he's everything and more

i can honestly say that i can see us together when we're old and gray

with children and grandchildren

still holding hands

i smile

it's all i can do

i will never go anywhere

i will always be right near his side

for better and worse

'til death do us part

no matter what

i love him

Prom Night 2010

Prom wasn't as bad as I was thinking it was going to be. I guess I had a picture in my mind of something a lot different, and I was wrong. It was pretty good, considering it was much different than I thought it was going to be. I thought that it would be more like my brother's public school prom, where it was a big deal what car you drove up in and how there were so many people and pictures and food and dancing. This prom wasn't close to that but since it was small it was more relaxing I guess you could say. We were pretty much the only couple that was matching. He was outstanding and handsome in his black tux and coral tie and vest that matched my coral dress. I got my hair done at a local place in my town, it took literally two hours to do and it felt awful, all the hairspray and other crap in it, but it looked amazing I thought. We drove to his mom's house to take photos before. It felt crazy. So many pictures being taken at once. I actually felt beautiful for the first time in a while. It felt good. WE got lost on the way there and we thought we were late but turns out we were one of the first ones there. There weren't many slow songs, I think we danced for one and then an end of another, but it was worth it. To look into his loving eyes, with his hands wrapped around my waist, it was an awesome feeling. He even sung the lyrics to me while we danced. "And I'll be the greatest fan in your life.." So amazing! We left a bit early, I wasn't feeling too good and it was getting boring. We went to a field near his dad's house, brought out blankets and layed out under the stars. It was unbelievable. Something I never thought I'd do, but had dreamed of doing with the love of my life. And there we were, under so many blankets, holding each other close, not thinking about anything but being in that wonderful moment. It was a night I could not ask for anything more. He made it special and unforgettable. Something I'll remember the rest of my life!

P.s. more photos to come!

Healing Begins Now...

 These lyrics are about letting your true self out and stop hiding behind the walls you build around yourself. People want to see the real you, not the person you try to be. When you hide who you are and the hardships you've been through, it's only hurting you. God can take those tough times and bring light into the lives of others and yours at the same time. Let down your wall and start living. No matter what.


Tenth Avenue North - Healing Begins
From the album The Light Meets The Dark
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now

Oh This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
Come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

i just don't know...

tell me why i am never good enough for anyone? tell me that. i feel as if i'm always trying to please everyone, yet i know i can't. but if i don't please them, i lose them. this is so frustrating. what am i to do. please tell me.

You Don't Know Me...You Don't Even Care...

I don't even know where to start. Taking to her is the hardest thing you'll ever do. I can't even describe why I'm mad. We can't share things anymore. I thought she was helpful. I thought she was nice. I guess I thought wrong. She's not very nice when she's mad. I was trying to be calm and mature about it. She was the one blowing up and being immature. Sometimes people just don't want to talk everything out. I mean at some point, yes, but give me some time to think. I thought she was caring. I guess I was wrong again. I know who I am. The words she says to me, can't hurt me. She claims she's being helpful. But what she is really doing, is making people do what she wants, and she'll do anything to make them do that. She's yeling at me. I'm trying to be understanding and listen. All I end up doing is getting more frustrated. There comes a point where this is all too much. She claims I'm taking my stress out on her. Unfortunetly my stress is her! I don't care right now. I thought she was the one friend who I could tell things to and she would always listen. Wrong. She changed. Or maybe it wasn't that she changed, but it was just that her true colors are coming out. It's over. It will always be over. Walk away.

Trip Up Mount Washington (Spring)

I Remember....

I remember the rooms..cold..non inviting...

I remember the early mornings...my routine...the sadness..

I remeber the fresh air...sun on my face...wind in my hair...

I remember the fight...the battle...phyical...emotional...

I remember the smells...

I remember the people...stuck up...friendly...caring...yet not...

I remember the meetings...silent...torture...

I remember the knitting...long hours...fun times...

I remember the speed scrabble games...everyday...

I remember the girls...each different...each amazing...so loving...

I remember the conversations...laughing...crying...

I remember the tears...painful...a waterfall of emotion...

I remember the clothes...

I remember the frustration...it consumed me...

I remember the worry...anxiousness...

I remember the failure...disappointment...

I remember the good times...

I remember the bad times...

I remember the visits...they brightened my day...

I remember the silences...my stubborness...the awkwardness...

I remember the friendships...strangers...yet so close...

I remember the enemies...the hate...the anger...

I remember the walks...they were never enough...

I remember the longing...a better day...a better life...

I remember the hellos...

I remember the goodbyes...

I remember the scheduele...the ordered days...

I remember the triumphant times...it felt so good...

I remember the jokes...let's run away...

I remember the what if's...

I remember the needles...tubes...machines...

I remember the smiles...

I remember the frowns...

I remember the sickness...too much of everything...

I remember the warmth...

I remember the cold...

I remember the waiting...all I ever did was wait...

I remember the buildings...old...brick...with hidden stories...

I remember the outings...the chance to break free...

I remember the books...the writing...

I remember the change of mind...

I remember the feelings...horrible...stressful...good and bad...

I remember teh puzzles...they took my mind away...

I remember the freedom...oh so free...

I remember the first day...

I remember the last day...

I remember everything...

God Gave Me You...

Monday, April 19, 2010
God Gave Me You...

You are amazing. That's the only word to describe you. You're a dream that I never thought would come true. I would lie awake at night thinking and praying to God that He would bless me with someone like you. Everything I ever wanted and needed is everything you are. Of all the things we've been through I couldn't imagine how it could be any other way, with anyone else. When I close my eyes, it's you that I see. I wouldn't have it any other way. You complete me. You make me whole. You allow me to be free and be who I am and you are making me into the person I have always wanted to be. There could be nothing better than this. The words that you whisper into my ear when we are wrapped up in each other’s arms make me fall to my knees. They make me feel so full. So beautiful. No one has ever made me feel as beautiful and amazing as the way you do. It's mind blowing how someone like you, a man so wonderful and unbelievable as yourself, could ever love an ordinary girl, like me. Every night before I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up I thank God for you and everything you are and everything you have brought to my life. You will never know just how much happiness and love you have given me. There are just not enough words to describe what you mean to me. I am so blessed to even have you in my life. I know our future is bright and I cannot wait for all the memories to come with our hands in hand and our souls combined as one. You are my life. I love you. I will always love you.

Stay True

"Being true to who you are is what is really important. It does not matter if you think you are being different, as long as you are being the real you." - Christine Kalinowsk

"Accept everything about yourself-Imean everything. You are you and that is the begining and the end-No apologies, no regrets." -Clark Moustakes

Lyrics Poem

a poem i wrote from song lyrics i liked...


Be still and know that I am


This world’s so unforgiving

My heart goes out to you

We all need to believe

Is that You

Is this me

We all need to believe

That we are not alone

My heart and soul are caving in

I know You hear me

Breathe in

Breathe out

I can’t relax

But I know You’re beating my heart

I hold this hope inside

My faith seems so small

Even in my darkest hour

I will believe

All I want is for Your love to hold me

Straight and narrow

Wide and shallow

Running home to You

It crashes over me

What went wrong

Here in Your arms

Is the place where I belong

Seems like no one cares

The inside is beautiful

But the outside we wanna change

Why do we want to change

I lay in bed awake

Do not fear what you don’t really know

Don’t give up on love

Why do we break the promises we make

Are we living for ourselves

When did it become

So easy to run from our pain

I need you to know

My arms are wide open

Yesterday I could not feel this

Find me

Won’t you find me tonight

You speak without sound

Your love is so loud

I turn and run

To You.

journal entry 1

april 16, 2010
the other night i was reflecting on my day at school and what i was going to do about next year for my senior year. as i thought about my day tears filled up my eyes. i'm not quite sure why school is such a torture chamber for me, but maybe it's because i'm quiet and shy and most people don't know how to react to people like that, or it's the fact that i'm an introvert who would rather be alone, than involved with a large group of people. then i got to thinking what would be better, being homeschooled or continue at my current boarding school. as i wrote a list of pros and cons, my thoughts shifted to the idea that if i was to be homeschooled or take online classes i would be alone at home, all the time, with an occtional class or two at the local highschool. then i thought about going back to boarding school and the feelings that go along with that. the feeling of being alone in a group of people who are all having fun. that on one hand i wish i was a part of but on the other hand i wish i was alone. finally my thoughts came back to reality when my boyfriend asked me what was wrong, and then he caught me off guard when he asked what my one wish would be at that moment. i had to think about that one. and as i thought, i figured it out. i wished that i was less sensitive and could just let things roll of my back. the little things get to me, i think, more than the huge things and i'm not really how to change that. if only we could all just find a solution to our feelings and just let them be what they are. how much better would that be...? hmm...

what else can i do...

- i fake a smile usually because i don't know what else to do...
- i am starting to get comfortable with the idea that i am not ordinary and that there's nothing wrong with that...
- sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone crushing, like the pressure of water down deep...
- i cry when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain i know i'll feel when you finally do let go...
- i am so incredibly mean to myself. i would never talk to any other person the way that i talk to myself...
- what i want most is to just hear that i'm okay just as i am, even if my natural state isn't common, normal, or cool...
- i hate being needy yet i long to be taken care of...
- i simultaneously crave both fitting in and standing out. i feel like a failure when i'm different, and i feel like a failure when i blend...
- i always feel like a burden...
- i only pretend to be immature: i'm scared to show you just how serious and deep i can be...
- even when it doesn't look like it, i'm trying the best i know how at the moment...
- i feel like i'm searching for something but i'm not sure what...
- when i piece together another part of my puzzle i feel good on the inside...
- i want to lay out in the rain and just let it wash away my past...
- i like being alone but when i'm alone i'd rather be with people and when i'm with people i'd rather be alone...

i found this article on lyved.com, thought it was interesting and thought i'd share it.

50 things to say before you die

1. thanks for everything you've done.
2. you have changed my life.
3. i need you.
4. i've only got one life to live.
5. nothing can stop me.
6. i love life.
7. there's nothing i'd rather be doing.
8. i can change the world.
9. i will change the world.
10. i have changed the world.
11. i am rich without money.
12. i'm doing what i was meant to do.
13. i conquered my biggest fear.
14. glad to help you.
15. i have all the money i need.
16. i don't care what people think.
17. i'm honest.
18. i'm going for it!
19. i'm proud of myself.
20. i've failed.
21. i've learned from my failures.
22. i have no regrets.
23. i don't like my life (once you acknowledge that you don't like your life, you can begin to change it).
24. i've never had more fun in my life.
25. you hurt me.
26. there's more to life than this.
27. i love you no matter what.
28. i've accomplised a lot.
29. you've been successful.
30. i'm listening.
31. i'm here for you.
32. words can't discribe the way i feel.
33. i'm not giving up.
34. there is no place like home.
35. it was a pleasure to talk with you.
36. i have all the time in the world.
37. i don't have any worries.
38. i need a hand.
39. you're my best friend.
40. i'm glad you were here.
41. i'm just gonna go for it.
42. i can't thank you enough.
43. i'm trusting my gut.
44. i follow my own path.
45. what a wonderful world.
46. i take full responsibility.
47. i'm not sorry.
48. i came, i saw, i conquered.
49. i haven't said enough.
50. i'm not afraid.

so, how many can you already cross off?

an alphabetical list of anything and everything...

All my time is spent on nothing more than lies...
Because all i want is to be free...
Can't you see that this is not me...
Don't act like you know who i am unless you've lived a day in my shoes...
Everyone has their list of issues...no one is excluded from the ups and downs of this life...
Forever and always...i'll be there...
Going over things in my head i can see all along i was wrong...
How can you say that when all you do is complain...
In and out of dreams...you come and go like waves on the sea...
Just because you think something is true doesn't mean that it is...
Kangaroos are curious creatures...
Love is not blind...you know when you are in love or when you are not...
Most days are just okay but only some can be amazing...
No one can make you change...you have to want it for yourself...
Over the rainbow and under the sea...
People in your life are given to you for reasons...good and bad...learn to learn from them...
Quotes can make you think deeply about what it means to really live...
Running against the wind is like walking in water...
School is painful but we all experience that in some way or another...
Today could be the best day or the last day of your life..you just never know...learn to learn from it...
Underneath that fake smile is heartache and pain...
Visualize what you want and where you want to be...
Without you there would be no life...
X-ray vision is a very cool thing to think about...
You make my day brighter by just being in it...
Zebras are not just black and white...